-Welcome!
-Very kind of you. Nice.
-It’s very nice
of you to be here.
-Hiya. Hi.
I’m so excited.
I’m really very excited.
Paul. I am so…
[ Laughter ]
I feel like if
I do well here tonight,
I might get other invitations.
-Yeah.
-So I’m really
looking forward to this.
-Don’t put too much pressure
on it, though.
You know, just be loose,
have fun.
-Yeah, well,
thank you very much.
That’s very kind of you.
And I find since you were nice
enough to invite me on the show,
all I really want to know —
and if you don’t want to
talk about this, I understand —
is — your son,
your second son, Axel…
-Yes.
-…was born at Costco,
something like that.
-It was not at Costco.
It was the lobby of
our building.
-Wow!
-Yeah.
-Now, you hear about this
all the time —
you know, taxicabs
and buses and so forth.
But the lobby of the building.
Was there a mistake that
had been made in timing?
-Well, looking back, it’s hard
not to say “yes” to that answer,
but in my wife’s defense,
she really —
-Oh, you’re blaming it
on your wife.
-No, no, no.
-Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That’s good.
In my defense — No, she just
pretty much had one contraction,
and everything happened
real fast.
-Bang, zoom.
-Bang, zoom.
-Now, was the — And, again,
none of this is my business.
But the first child, your
first son, you talked about —
Was the delivery
that rapid, that quick?
-It was — We just made it
to the hospital.
He was born about
30 minutes after we made it.
So we were —
You know, our antennae were up
for a fast delivery,
but it was not —
It was still faster
than we could have imagined.
-Now, uh, uh…
is the lobby cheaper?
-No.
-It’s not cheaper?
-You know why it’s not cheaper.
-Why isn’t it?
-Because when you call 911,
an ambulance comes.
-Oh, then you get
a fee for the ambulance, yes.
-And then you get
a bill for the ambulance,
and you really have
a moment of like, “Wow.
I thought Ubers were expensive.”
[ Laughter ]
-And were there
a lot of jokes like,
“Well, maybe one day,
he’ll be a doorman.”
Did you get a lot of that crap?
-I didn’t get that,
but one of the firemen —
as he was escorting
us out, he goes,
“I guess you got
your monologue for Monday.”
-Ah, there you go. Yeah.
This is what I love
about this situation.
And I had a guy
tell me, two weeks ago,
“Nobody wants to hear people
talking about their kids on TV.”
Well, you know,
I don’t have a show,
so let me just
come out here and ruin yours.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I…
You go through that period —
And everybody does this.
You go through that period
where, “Oh, he’s a month old.
Oh, he’s 2 months old.
Oh, he’s 6 months old.”
And then he’s a year,
and then you think, “Oh, my God.
You know,
this is where you want him.
Well, I had to give that up,
and you’ll give that up, too.
And I’m telling you —
my son is now 14,
and it’s tremendously exciting
to have a 14-year-old.
And I have a delivery —
But we had to go to the hospital
at 6:00 a.m.,
because we thought —
You know, we weren’t just like,
“Eh, no,
let’s watch another film.”
It wasn’t like that.
So, like at 8:00 — 8:00 p.m. —
nothing’s going on.
-Oh, so you’ve
been there all day.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-So, my friend,
Dr. Lou Aronne, and the —
What do you call them?
Not the —
The guy who delivers the baby.
The…obstetrician.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
You can go home early.
[ Laughter ]
He says, “Is anybody hungry?”
And I’m hungry.
And he said,
“Well, there’s a Chinese place
near the hospital that delivers.
You want Chinese food?
And I said, “Sure.
Of course I want Chinese food.”
-Yeah. When don’t you?
-So, the orthodontist —
Not orthodontist.
The obstetrician,
Lou Aronne, and myself —
we order like
$400 worth of Chinese food.
And We go down to
the break room,
and we’re eating Chinese food.
And, now, we’re close enough
to where my wife is
so if there’s screaming,
we’ll hear.
-Yeah, of course.
-I’m telling you — this
pissed her off.
Today, she’s still
pissed off about it.
That we’re down there
eating Chinese food.
And I said, “Well, Regina,
these guys delivered.
You weren’t.”
[ Laughter ]
You know what I’m saying?
[ Cheers and applause ]
And then, at 11:53,
my son, Harry, was born,
and it was — I don’t know
if they do this for all kids,
but when the guy —
He’s got him right there,
and then they hold him up.
I don’t know —
Did they hold your…
-I don’t know if we got held up.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-The child…
-Yeah.
-But in the lobby.
-Yeah.
-What are
the sanitary conditions,
seriously, in the lobby?
-They sent the rug out,
and the rug has come back.
Well, even —
And my wife thinks you can tell
what part of the rug
the baby was born at.
-Well, that’s fantastic.
-I think so, too.
-Yeah. So, they’re passing
Harry around, and he gets…
applause from the staff.
And I thought, “There you go.
What a way to
start a life, man — applause.”
-I don’t know if
this happened to you,
but I’ve always felt that
the mother has this —
Her whole body’s telling her,
for nine months,
she’s gonna be a mother,
and as a dad,
you just aren’t a dad, and then
it just — you immediately are.
-Yes, yes.
-And it’s just
the greatest moment.
-Yes. And maybe you went
through this like I did.
I doubt that you did.
You’re nothing like I am.
[ Laughter ]
But I was
overwhelmed by anxiety,
because I waited too long —
That’s a regret I have.
I waited too long
to have a family.
And then the minute he showed
up, the switch was flipped,
and you’re floating.
You’re on cloud nine.
It’s delightful.
This is why people shouldn’t
talk about their kids on TV.




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